I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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