She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
