Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Randomize