trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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