Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
