I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
