Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Randomize
