News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
