ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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