I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
