I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
