I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
