i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
