got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
