Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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