he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
of course. lets lasso hookers.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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