You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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