Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
