here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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