tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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