strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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