I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
