i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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