He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
