I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Can vaginas get frostbite?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Randomize
