Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Randomize
