you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
