see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
