imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
