he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
