so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
