plz talk dirty to me
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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