So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
