3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize