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He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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