I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I need a beard to bite.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
