Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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