I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
