I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
