i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
