ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
