why didn't you poke me back
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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