You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
they're like a gay fantastic four
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
