I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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