doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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