I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I think I am morally bankrupt
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize