At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
