No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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