Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
