Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Randomize
