Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
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