I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
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