I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
