Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
