I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
