Four minutes until I can fart!
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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