Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
