I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
