There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
